i should shut up, n get off my ass while im at it too.
i need some kinda new motivation! but unfortunately as sad as it may seem, the only things that motivates me are mainly related to shopping.. when i say shopping im not talking about clothes n stuff but more like when i find a new hobby n think 'oh wow thats so cool!! i wanna do that too!' n out i go to spend a load of money on things that i need to start or complete my new hobby.
like for example. i went through a 'architecture is so cool, i want to design my own house n draw a blueprint (even though i don't know how, but i can just make it up =P ) n since architectural computer softwares are too complicated n impossible to understand i'll just go old school n stick to pencil n paper. so i went out n bought like a nice new A3 drawing book with gridded paper, tracing paper, pencils of all sorts like B, B1, H, H2, F, a lump of knead-able eraser and to top it off a few architecture magazines for inspiration to help get my ideas rolling~
i drew one page, 'my future home'...
the other 299 pages are so far still blank, but you never know. i might pick it up again someday right?
what scares me is, i really remind myself of Becky Brandon nee Bloomwood. She is the narrator of the series of books im reading right now called 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'. im sure most of you have heard of it, n im also pretty sure you can guess what its about n why she reminds me of myself.
i always need some kinda muse. n i think photography was it for awhile, until i went to college n got assignments n even then i was always just spending money to produce my photos. buying equipment i don't necessarily need. but the school work was the push. after i graduated i knew i didn't have the talent n i don't want to spend 3 hours in front of the computer retouching on photoshop. so i gave up n i say shit like 'film is better'... maybe film is better, but film is money. see where im getting at?
im kinda disgusted by myself. so i just sit at home n even though its a little sad but atleast this way im not spending money =P
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
the wonders of appausable thumbs.
as i click n drag. what took me 2 years to build vanishes out of sight.
deleted. gone.
as i reach over for some tissue i think, 'if only humans could donate their tears'. too many if only's.
useless. move on.
but it all remains in my head. engraved into my brain. burnt a permanent scar.
hide it. cover it.
its no use. nothing changes. not the facts nor my feelings. devouring me alive.
sick n sickening.
where can i find a rubber that erases memory.
deleted. gone.
as i reach over for some tissue i think, 'if only humans could donate their tears'. too many if only's.
useless. move on.
but it all remains in my head. engraved into my brain. burnt a permanent scar.
hide it. cover it.
its no use. nothing changes. not the facts nor my feelings. devouring me alive.
sick n sickening.
where can i find a rubber that erases memory.
Monday, February 16, 2009
as i step onto the single lane..
the sky fell a breeze of snow. paving way to a new road i'm forced to take.
'the end of one road will lead to the start of another', so they say.
the word bleak runs through my head as i sink into my chair. my no legged chair.
the chair thats given me warmth through this winter.
the chair thats patted me on the back, countless of times.
unlike the rest, its never let me down at times when i needed it the most.
thank you to those who have been there for me. n if you haven't, don't feel guilty, i probably wasn't there for you either.
as winter sweeps in again, i say goodbye to romance.
'the end of one road will lead to the start of another', so they say.
the word bleak runs through my head as i sink into my chair. my no legged chair.
the chair thats given me warmth through this winter.
the chair thats patted me on the back, countless of times.
unlike the rest, its never let me down at times when i needed it the most.
thank you to those who have been there for me. n if you haven't, don't feel guilty, i probably wasn't there for you either.
as winter sweeps in again, i say goodbye to romance.
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Differences are...
.. that some people make cakes for their girlfriends, where as others cheat.
its not exactly about been lucky or not, its more the fact that if you give more, you tend to receive less.
why that is, is pretty much self explanatory, but i will elaborate for those idiots who cant see if for themselves. however, note: i am aware some idiots just choose not to understand. its ok, go right ahead, live your selfish carefree life. for one day, when the time comes, you'll regret and it'll be too late.
the human nature of giving, is not chosen by oneself. its also most definitely not something we decide consciously. (not in the right mind atleast.) we give because our inner subconscious transmits a certain urge to do so, due to love. sadly to say, most times we are just under the illusion that we are in love. the idiot who's more "in love" is the one who gets lost in it. therefore, in a relationship, there's always one party who gives more n receives less, hence the other gives less but somehow still ends up receiving more. people who dont go through the hardship of giving, wont understand the misery one goes through waiting for reciprocation. therefore has no idea what its like to be unloved, unappreciated. how one can effect another through the tinniest of gestures. how can anyone understand what another person feels if not having been through the same problem?! people say, 'i understand, i know what u mean', do they REALLY? no! how could u possibly imagine the pain of a man who's been stabbed to the chest with a knife without actually having it done to you? you may think you know. but you dont.
so, back to the story of the idiot who's in love. this idiot chooses to be patient and gives n gives, waits n waits. until one day he/she realises. this has got to stop once n for all! but how do we stop our inner-selves? its like the demon of our souls, have u ever seen the demon lose? the answer is no! so we figure out a solution n adjust to the situation. we come up with a bright new idea. instead of suppressing ourselves, we ask for something in return to feel fair n just. well, thats gotta be the stupidest solution in the world! because nothing thats done outta force means shit! well actually, what i meant to say is, exactly that. it means shit! shit all! so why do we do this to ourselves? what good do we get out of it? here comes the sad part. all we wanted was to just be loved. we needed to feel loved. the same way we would love another. the way we would sacrifice and change ourselves for another. whether its making an extra effort in taking notes on what our loved ones likes to eat, the music they enjoy or make sacrifices to fit to their time n schedules. and before you know it, we've lost ourselves. we're exhausted. we feel small. we doubt love. we've even given up some friendships coz of love. n he says 'no one asked you to do any of those things!!' right. you've got a point, but ...... suddenly its starting to feel like its not worth it anymore. because at this point, this love we have is getting inconvenient for our selfish loved ones. coz we are no longer giving without complaining. we are asking for more than we ever have. we are not who they first met. the very 'generous' human being. from here on, we are pictured as the vicious demons who suck their lives away. the ones who ask for unreasonable things. they just dont see, that what we need is to know that they are also willing to do and give up anything as we would for them. if only they would show us. if only they could understand without all these explanations.
people have told me enough is enough. i've done enough preaching. i've tried hard enough. i've made enough sacrifices. my social conditions aren't exactly THAT bad. not to the point that I have to suffer for reasons I cant put together. except theres too much to let go off, yet not enough to keep going. if only i was bastard enough to just leap into the arms of another man... that would ease some of the pain atleast.
to think, breakup is just a 7 letter word. yet its so hard to do.
its not exactly about been lucky or not, its more the fact that if you give more, you tend to receive less.
why that is, is pretty much self explanatory, but i will elaborate for those idiots who cant see if for themselves. however, note: i am aware some idiots just choose not to understand. its ok, go right ahead, live your selfish carefree life. for one day, when the time comes, you'll regret and it'll be too late.
the human nature of giving, is not chosen by oneself. its also most definitely not something we decide consciously. (not in the right mind atleast.) we give because our inner subconscious transmits a certain urge to do so, due to love. sadly to say, most times we are just under the illusion that we are in love. the idiot who's more "in love" is the one who gets lost in it. therefore, in a relationship, there's always one party who gives more n receives less, hence the other gives less but somehow still ends up receiving more. people who dont go through the hardship of giving, wont understand the misery one goes through waiting for reciprocation. therefore has no idea what its like to be unloved, unappreciated. how one can effect another through the tinniest of gestures. how can anyone understand what another person feels if not having been through the same problem?! people say, 'i understand, i know what u mean', do they REALLY? no! how could u possibly imagine the pain of a man who's been stabbed to the chest with a knife without actually having it done to you? you may think you know. but you dont.
so, back to the story of the idiot who's in love. this idiot chooses to be patient and gives n gives, waits n waits. until one day he/she realises. this has got to stop once n for all! but how do we stop our inner-selves? its like the demon of our souls, have u ever seen the demon lose? the answer is no! so we figure out a solution n adjust to the situation. we come up with a bright new idea. instead of suppressing ourselves, we ask for something in return to feel fair n just. well, thats gotta be the stupidest solution in the world! because nothing thats done outta force means shit! well actually, what i meant to say is, exactly that. it means shit! shit all! so why do we do this to ourselves? what good do we get out of it? here comes the sad part. all we wanted was to just be loved. we needed to feel loved. the same way we would love another. the way we would sacrifice and change ourselves for another. whether its making an extra effort in taking notes on what our loved ones likes to eat, the music they enjoy or make sacrifices to fit to their time n schedules. and before you know it, we've lost ourselves. we're exhausted. we feel small. we doubt love. we've even given up some friendships coz of love. n he says 'no one asked you to do any of those things!!' right. you've got a point, but ...... suddenly its starting to feel like its not worth it anymore. because at this point, this love we have is getting inconvenient for our selfish loved ones. coz we are no longer giving without complaining. we are asking for more than we ever have. we are not who they first met. the very 'generous' human being. from here on, we are pictured as the vicious demons who suck their lives away. the ones who ask for unreasonable things. they just dont see, that what we need is to know that they are also willing to do and give up anything as we would for them. if only they would show us. if only they could understand without all these explanations.
people have told me enough is enough. i've done enough preaching. i've tried hard enough. i've made enough sacrifices. my social conditions aren't exactly THAT bad. not to the point that I have to suffer for reasons I cant put together. except theres too much to let go off, yet not enough to keep going. if only i was bastard enough to just leap into the arms of another man... that would ease some of the pain atleast.
to think, breakup is just a 7 letter word. yet its so hard to do.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Cocosuma : The Source
this could well be the end of my dreams
gave it all i had, now i see it slip away
things are never as close as they seem
we keep turning round n round when we should go straight ahead
now it feels like its the end of the world
do u know what i mean? have u been through it all?
theres this pain in your chest that u can get rid off
did u feel the same when she packed her stuff
everything is gonna be alright..... tonight~
oh i'd like to be on a boat to hawaii
but those four white walls are closing down on me
i had my share of happy time and painful ones
im gonna close my eyes, let it go
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